Mewd (mewd) wrote,

Dorp Trip 2012 (Kickass Cleveland Vacation part 3)

On July 17th, 2012: I was woken up by Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. A controller was thrust into my hands and I was goaded to pick my team. Deciding that I don't care about comic book heroes enough to play as half the roster, I picked Tron Bonne, Arthur and Albert Whesker over and over again. I existed in a small reality where I was raped by Mike Haggar over and over again, with my only respite being when I found a cheap button press or special attack I could spam to protect myself. This waking nightmare was broken when Wiggy decided we hadn't unlocked enough things in Smash Brothers yet.

After fighting 100 man brawl over and over trying to unlock Falco (The phrase 'PK thunder' was repeated so often that it is burnt into my brain now,) Wiggy realized that we had SO MANY COINS and started launching them to collect trophies. We ate Corn Bursts and talked about how Wiggy probably goes to people's houses and unlocks everything in Smash Brothers for people door-to-door. "Hey, let me just hook you up."

I misplaced my camera and other pocket items after waking up. Walking up to Siro's chair, with my crotch at his eye level, I asked "Have you seen my junk?" while frantically swiveling my head. A joke was born that day.

Then, after our daily steam sale checking, something was discovered. We saw that Skyrim had autosaved after the creation of Dino King and that he was still with us. Reno launched him into his adventure, about to be executed. SUDDENLY, a dragon attacks! DAD! YOU CAME TO SAVE ME! Humans are scrambling everywhere. Dino King wants to murder them, and follows them first one he spots. He grabs an ax and merrily chops away at Olfrid Stormcloak, yet he seems unable to kill him. This is troubling, as Dino King's ultimate goal is to kill all humans. His ax skill increases rapidly, so that's fine.

What a hunk.

After a long string of indiscriminate murders, and punching a bear to death in the stealth tutorial, Dino King finally finds himself on the outside.

Stormcloak is Dino King's only friend, if only because he can't murder him.

Then, Dino King was Batman for a while, and continued carving a path of destruction through the wildness.

Dino King was REALLY excited to find a river he could swim up, because HE CAN BREATHE UNDER WATER. Which, as you know, IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SKILL IN THE GAME.

Dino King quickly intimidated the local guards into letting him into a highly populated area. This was there first downfall. In timeline A, Dino King attempts to murder everyone and is killed by the city guards. In Timeline B, Dino King realizes the pragmatic reality that he cannot kill all humans until he is more powerful and must postpone genocide.

Contacting the local political leader, Dino King strikes a deal to postpone their imminent death and is informed of a tomb full of zombies. If there is anything Dino King hates more than things that are dead, it's things that stop being dead.

So he makes a conscious effort to restore balance to the concept of mortality. He then explored the whole dungeon and had to solve puzzles. Dino King HATES puzzles, you guys.

After everything was dead in the cave, Dino King started glowing. This meant that we could turn on cheat codes and THEN we murdered everyone in town. Thus concluded the awesome adventures of Dino King.

After the rampage, we subjected Siro to Silent Hill 2. A game he was very nervous about playing. We got him to stumble through the early bits of the game, but it didn't seem to click with him too well and a lot of hand holding was required. Which I am totally okay with because I am Mr. Walkthrough with this game. Siro, however, would prefer it if nothing scary ever happened to James but instead he stopped having awkward creepy conversations with random people and went home.

We decided that Silent Hill 2's subtitle should be: Creepy Awkward.

Wiggy and Reno, mean while, started a game of Civilization 4: Colonization. Which is a micromanagement nightmare or wet dream depending on your preference. The game is downright overwhelming in terms of its mechanics, but with a military adviser hovering over his shoulder, Reno was ready to set about seizing control of the new world for the French. They were so engrossed in this that they stopped paying attention to Silent Hill 2 at all.

This led to rival factions, one where I force one of my favorite games down Siro's throat while Wiggy and Reno collaborate as friends towards a common goal as friends. Pfft. I throw a few snide remarks at them here and there because THAT isn't Silent Hill.

Eventually Siro hands over the controls to me as the game is just kinda stressful. I blow this the rest of the apartments, let him fight Pyramid Head, and there are more creepy awkward cut scenes and Siro decides he hates Maria as he should.

We chase all this horror with some 4-player Kirby. The game is insulting easy up until the water themed world (Onion Ocean! MMMM!), where we hit on a few levels where we have to restart the same freaking level over and over again because we can't allow ourselves to continue without every collectable cog. We push through, suffering, and begin speculating on what the name of the next world would be. We knew it would be ice themed. What possible ice themed adjective would they use? Especially when Mega Man had exhausted every possible one already?

We get up to the level and the name is White Wafers. We are all so disgusted that we turn the game off and go to the Wii News channel instead. Scope out the weather channel while we're at it. Get that gross taste out of our mouth.

After this we watch Spinal Tap, which is on par with Anchorman as a beloved movie that Jessie can barely stand to sit through. I'd seen it before, I appreciated it more this time. Also, apparently I am not missing that much by not knowing all the musical references? That's good.

Then, there was taco salad and I made everyone sit through the Diamond Jim skit of Tim and Eric's Billion dollar movie.

Also, we started Amnesia hotseat, which was a bigger success than Silent Hill at getting this group to play a horror game than anything else. Wiggy and Siro were legimately interested in the story, but we ran into issues with the tension getting to be too much for people and the persistent problem of everyone being falling down tired and yet no one wants to go to bed.

The next day, Reno tells us about a weird dream he had where Blaze was a despot ruler over and he was charged with the task of killing him. This was so distressing that Reno asked Jessie to make cookies, which were DELICIOUS.

Loading up the homebrew channel, we popped in the NES survival horror game Sweet Home. I named all of the cast members after our existing group, only later finding out that virtually all of the cast members were female. I was the main character, Siro was the Maid, Jessie was my daughter, Reno was the photographer, and Wiggy was the nurse.

Sweet home was way more fun and less obtuse than I anticipated. It was okay because Siro used his vacuum all the time and was therefore the best character. Reno and Jessie made up their own team up to the point that Jessie died horribly and our team shrank. We had no key and never got a replacement. We eventually got irreversibly stuck, with Wiggy all along across a broken plank bridge. And the game was shut off, trapping our alter egos forever.

And then there was an obligatory Metroid run. Siro had the whole speed running and sequence breaking concept broken down for him, and had the ending cutscene ruined by the murder beam glitching all of the graphics. Also, we decided that Ridley is an adult Dino King. Canon.

I get us all to try out the Amnesia DLC, Justine. I brag about how fantastic it is, and then we are promptly stumped by its painful puzzles and die like twenty times in a row. To the point that we just watch the ending on youtube to make up for it. It is such a trying experience that we need a pallete cleanser, and opt to play Isaac.

We had a rush of runs where we got up to the cathedral and somehow I was in charge of running it every time. But I failed, every time. I made jokes about quad failing but this turned into septupal failure. I make up for this by fixing everyone sandwiches. Still, hotseat Isaac is fun. It's basically a calculated risk party. We argue over the best possible way to influence the run positively and opinions clash. Votes are thrown. Democracy. And then we fail.

At one point, while things were getting hairy and we were low on health, Reno whipped out the guitar and gave Wilco some background music as he fought the Gish, playing the aptly named song "Wilco fought the Gish"

Another thing that Wiggy is obsessed with: Shops. Every time we have remotely enough money he wants us to go to the shop to get an item. He wants to kiss shops on the mouth.

At one point, we actually got the Epic Fetus item and were set for an easy run through the game. Then somehow we glitch out the game and get stuck in a rock irreversibly. The amount of failure is palpable, and is felt across the universe. We now need a palette cleanser for our palette cleanser.

Also, another injoke is born when Wiggy, after Reno explains a video game to him, goes "Yeah that's great. Um. Can I have my coffee?" and this gets turned into the most passive aggressive statement every. "CAN I HAVE MY COFFEE NOW, IDIOT?"

Something that haunted Reno over the course of the trip is that he couldn't find the adapting cord to use his television as a monitor. It would be nice to do hotseat gaming where everyone has an equal view of the screen. After turning the house side down, he FINALLY finds it.

There it is.

It's beautiful. Like a tiny angel.

Now we can look at Steam Sales on the BIG SCREEN. THIS IS EVERYTHING WE COULD EVER WANT.

Using this new bigger screen, we play more Amnesia, which, seeing as how it is getting late, proves to be more of a naptime than an actual play session. Eventually we call it quits at 2:30 AM, and I'm so worked up that I need to do something. So I do dishes.

I've never had people more outraged at me for doing dishes. But I can't help it. I'm all amped up from spooks. What am I supposed to do with all this energy?

We finish Amnesia the next day, with me taking the lead. We can't escape failure however as I manage to completely struggle to find two pieces of the orb for like an hour. We need a walkthrough it gets so bad. Overall Amenesia was enjoyed though, and everyone was impressed by how chatty Agrippa is. There were also far more floppy dicks than anyone anticipated.

Reno chases this taxing experience with a survival horror game more his speed. We watch as he plays through the opening segments of Alone in the Dark. Which persists as a horribly clunky but charming mess.

At one point, Wiggy had a spasm of laughter that caused him to fall down and laugh nonstop for like ten minutes. It was downright infectious, chain laughter and got everyone going. And it was all because Siro showed him his One Piece Pocket Watch.

"Wow, that's better than Mewd's!"

"That's cause Mewd's doesn't even work."

Which Wiggy apparently thought was the FUNNIEST THING in the universe.

Today Reno takes us to Cone Zone, a local ice cream place that has a sign out front announcing that Root Beer Floats are Wonderful. That way you know they're good. They got 43 flavors! The place is crazy overstaffed and they're fun loving and gave us a theatrical rundown of the menu.

Reno and Siro extoled the virtues of Black Raspberries, while I went with Rootbeer flavored ice cream.

Ice cream is exciting.

Post ice-cream we separated. Reno to see his grandmother in the retirement home, who from the sound of it is in very bad shape. Reno is considerate to visit, yet his gran seems unwilling to talk or interact, which makes for an awkward visit.

Jessie, Siro, Wiggy and I went to WalMart. Jess needed to buy litter (I kept mishearing this as GLITTER and was mystified by it. I just developed the impression that Jess was crafty.) Siro had the intention for us to make last minute crappy Batman costumes for the movie premiere that evening, but I felt like that wasn't going to happen. I started getting on his case at the store to actually think about the logistics of making a bad costume. But he's all like, no, it's cool, we'll just find something whatever. But I am completely overbearing about it and basically force us to start working on it.

A plan is formed. We buy letter stickers, and will spell out the name of our character on our T-shirts. And that will be our character. Also, we bought fake mustache stickers. PERFECT COSTUMES DONE.

When we presented our costumes to Reno, he couldn't stop laughing at how retarded it was. But it didn't stop there. Once we got home the real work started and we raided whatever brick a brack we could to make costumes.

Siro outclassed all of us by becoming the Jockr

Wiggy was Cat Girl Lady Woman, with costume leopard ears and a sign. And seductive poses!

Reno became the Batmin. With a paper plate insigna, a jacket wrapped around his neck, and dress shoes and pants so that he could be Bruce Wayne from the waist down.

And I became the Raddler. By wrapping one of Reno's hats in tissue papers, and fashioning a cane(?) out of paper towel tubes.

The beer was necessary to get Reno in the trashy costume spirit.

Now we were truly ready to face the night.

Only one problem. We were so focused on getting our costumes ready that we were running a bit behind schedule to get to the theater.

Bigger problem. We severely underestimated how many people were going to show up for this premiere.

I mean, we figured it'd be packed, but getting a parking space at the back of the back of the lot was impossible. The place was crawling with people,

but we persist in our excitement.

At one point, some people came out the theater and noted my costume and said "But Riddler isn't even IN the movie!" to which Siro responded "He's not???"

We ran into legit Batman cosplayers in the lobby. A girl who was the Bat Signal and a Batman who went on to tell us how he works hard every night to prevent people like the Jockr, the Raddler, and cat lady... girl... woman? From destroying our way of life.

We made a beeline for the theater and were basically screwed. We had five people and the theater was stuffed. An usher found us the only five consecutive seats in the house, and they were in the front row on the extreme left.

It's a strange sensation craning your neck to watch a movie when it is at an extreme angle in front of you. We adjusted, Reno got a lock of crinks in his neck in the process, but the movie was awesome in spite of the worst possible seating.

Dark Knight Rises was fun, had the most interesting version of Bane to exist yet, and tied the whole franchise up pretty nicely. We left the theater excited, and my costume was more or less falling apart.

Outside, we saw a news reporter taking an interview. We walked in front of the camera with our ridiculous costumes, Siro going so far as to wave into the camera. We could only hope that somehow our stupid costumes got onto television.

In the parking lot, Siro runs screaming "DON'T CATCH MY BATMAN!!" while the Batmin gave chase. It was a magical evening.

The Jockr changes into his pajamas when we return.

We come home at like 3AM, and stay up even later playing Day of the Tentacle against our better judgement. We pass out eventually, anticipating Wilco and Sarah showing up the next day.
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